Day 32, October 15th, 2010

Today is Friday and I still don't really know where I am. How much longer will it take to fit in one more time, my grandchildren are speaking Hebrew more and more every day and less and less Spanish day after day and I feel I want to die cause day by day they could become strangers I can't talk to and day by day I am feeling the weight of my choice in life and wonder. Beware of your dreams!, They could be more dangerous
than your ghosts, ghosts and fears keep you from falling down, with dreams come true you will always fall down cause sometimes your dreams are very far fetched from reality and my reality now is that it will take me a lot of time, many years and effort and pain to communicate. No communication no bridges and a voice so desperate to come out. In the long run  I will talk and understand and fit in, in the meantime I am so afraid to become a stranger, a non-voice, a keep it to yourself, but in any case little by little we keep it to ourselves cause it's time to hear your kids out, it is their time to play, to say, to live and survive and our time to set aside and help out and quietly and selflessly shut up, become useless and wiser and more wiser when you just listen up, understand, relate and keep aside. I had my chance for a voice, and boy did I used it up, now it is the time to find a very tough balance between listening and shouting and becoming visible invisible without any burden taken or given and getting along while creating a new life, free, independant as long as possible but firmly selfish at the same time where my house is my home and my life is my messiah.