Day 36, October 19th, 2010

Maybe the religious people are always happy cause they have always the answer to everything and if they don't they just believe in God's will and that's it, full stop, end of business, no more suffering, it was Him who decided, wanted, ruled, sent and so forth, who can argue with God, OK, we Jews do, but in the end God always wins so it is a futile exercises but when today I learnt that a mother buried all 3 daughters, years before I also knew of one case where a mother buried all of her 3 boys, all of them everyone of them, zip, 0 child and I am furious with G, and I don't like it and I don't have answers and I can't believe............I have always had a terrible issue with death, I simply don't accept it. Some where I have read that those who do not agree with death do not agree with life either, OK, it is not a secret anymore that myself I doubt how wise I am equipped to enjoy life but in the long run sometimes I do, death, never, I think I will never cope and when on days like today I hear a tragedy like burying your own children it simply drives me very mad. Kids are supposed to bury their parents and not the other way round, it is impossible, inhumane, absurd........I can't even start to wonder how a feeling like this could even be felt, life cannot go on, impossible, absurd...........a pain so deep, a knife ripping you apart, the ultimate cry, the end, the end, the end...........there's no life after a tragedy like this, the days are black, black, shallow, absurd, what if anything could God explain to them, what ??, no argument, no explanation, a complete void. And a throat so dry, sterile which just can't even utter a cry, a desperate............Why ??