Day 14, Sept. 27th, 2010

Not that a hip operation for osteoarthritis is the end of the world, well, 10 of them, could be !! But they completely knock you down, your will, hopes, dreams, movements, your whole life. Actually the operation itself, kind of, just kind of, ethereal, you are put to sleep, yes, put to sleep literally speaking, so profound, so deep so out of this earth I guess it could be compared to drugs. I never did drugs and not that I complain about but really, today, I would have liked to do them unless once in my life, better at least than going to the hospital to be operated on.........so........you are crucified, yes crucified, in that position, monitored on one extreme, God knows what on the other........piece of cake !! 13 times, dislocations included and this blissful feeling that you are actually flying away, very far away.......what comes next is surreal. If I had been a whore I would not have stayed with my legs wide open/spread for so long so many times over in my life, but I am not. Your bed, your one person hospital bed, your world, your home, your bathroom, your kitchen, your space for more than a month till you start crying out for help and mercy. Following months and months of recovery to fall again under the same pattern 13 times ovvvvvvvver !!, in the meantime, the why me questions ? what have I done ?? why did I bring this curse upon me............and the falling down deeper and deeper into this black hole of loneliness and despair......yes, I had a very good nurse all the way, my hubbie had been a support like no one else. And even so, when you are left alone all by yourself in the long empty nights you start the daily routine of wondering what's  next ?? what if nothing else is invented and I am ending my life on a wheel chair for good ?? but stop, this is not my body, this can't be the perfectionist hysterical me who aimed at being the perfect housewife, wife, mother, person, human being. Who stole my dreams, who dared come this way and change the course of my detailed life ? And the natural lonelines of being surrounded by many and still being left alone in the arms of the black nights each and every one of them wondering why and how and what's next, and the pain, both, flesh and soul and searching for a sign, an answer, something to keep you going, to make you want to get up and wake up and go on..........13 times over and over again and even so you know that it will never be over, just a span of happiness till one of the prosthesis gest loose again or worse, infected and the drill gets started once again