Day 92, December 14th, 2010

Today is a sunny day but nevertheless it is just a day to say to myself what if I have lived differently, done things differently, what if what if what if and feel so sorry I didn’t and remember the Borges poem and get to know how deep and profound and truthful when you want to go back in time and try to mend everything so you can feel no pain and regret today. If I had studied more and finished something important I would not be begging for work today, if I had enjoyed more instead of cleaning up and being so concerned about tidying up I would have enjoyed youth and bear aging process if I had danced a lot lot more……if I had switched doctors when my leg were still to be saved I could work more than a part time job which I can’t find either, if I had listened and started learning Hebrew many years ago when it was quite natural that this would become the language of my future and if I have saved and saved money and energy and wrinkles for the future cause if the past hurts when you want to remake it future maybe hurts all the most when you don’t know even where you bones will end up and how. Strangely enough I intended this sort of private diary to have been more of a funny one


An ironic approach to myself and the only things I hear myself say are so negative and sad and futureless but I guess the journey is never good when told or recounted but much better when it has been lived cause when you just live the moment you are there and not on the day after or on the years after………….